Blumenlied

Aku barusan dengerin lagu ini yang pernah aku mainin di suatu mall buat konser mini dari tempat les musik waktu SMA huahaha, and I’m having such a wave of thoughts and emotions listening to it now, I’m going to tell a bit of that here.

At that time, I thought the song was too hard to play for my level but my teacher said that it was okay if I made a mistake. Just pretend and keep going, because most people would not recognise it anyway. On the stage, being very nervous, I DID mess up quite badly in the middle but I brushed it off and managed to finish it. I had ‘no one’ familiar watching me anyway, so less pressure?

It was on Sunday. I arrived late in the backstage area. My teacher, who saw me coming, said she had waited for me for because my turn to perform was a while ago and squeezed me to perform in between the junior pupils’ performances LOL. My dad dropped me off, but he didn’t watch me. I thought he was just not interested in me (stubbornly) pursuing a piano lesson in the first place and went to other parts of the mall instead :). Or, actually, the people at my home were already sick of hearing me exercise the same piece over and over again for weeks haha. 

BUT to be honest, I felt rubbish that day. Came late, a bad performance, no appreciation, whatever.

The next morning at school, I had a Javanese class, and my teacher called me to her desk in front of the class. I was anxious as I thought I had made a mistake. Turned out she said she watched my performance yesterday when she was at the mall and that I played it nicely (haha, my piano teacher was right!). She then asked how long I had played the piano, where I took the lesson, etc. If I remembered it correctly, in the end, she also mentioned that she planned to put her daughter in a piano lesson.

I came back to my desk feeling a bit awkward (with a bit of comfort) to know that someone actually watched my performance that day. Did (most) people really not know that I mess up? Well, it was indeed a rubbish one, but it was actually an honest work of mine, so yeah....

Listening to the song now, I’m reflecting far back on how I was very privileged to ask my parents to buy me a keyboard when I was in primary school (the start of my music interest) and asked them to find me a private teacher, although they might not have been that enthusiastic about it. I kept asking stubbornly until they had no other choice (because doing a piano lesson was not harmful anyway).

And how I’ve been very stubborn in many other things until now, and they still support me in ways they can, in ways they know within their comprehension, eventually.

Also, a few weeks ago, my coworker said something about her privileged high school friend who was more privileged than her: that the person could have multiple hobbies to pursue. I said to myself, “Is that also me? Yeah, definitely." Until now, I have had many hobbies and interests to keep me occupied. And most likely it came from my childhood time when I was stubborn enough to ask my parents to enrol me in different kinds of activities. That might be the reason why I never get bored easily when I’m alone. I didn't understand the people who can get bored easily when they're alone. The realisation just hit me. I thought it was just because of my personality. I can never be bored with having much time alone. More importantly, it's also because of privilege. Even the privilege to have a mindset that you can do other things. That you can have choices. Well, although sometimes it needs stubbornness (at this age, to be more precise, I'll say courage, resilience and grit, hehe).

Now I’m sitting here, years and continents apart from that silly performance, away from playing the instrument for years, wondering when I’ll be settled enough to afford (in terms of money, time and energy, really) to own and relearn it again.

But it's not something that I really yearn for. In this adult life, I have more fundamental things to wonder about that are worth skipping piano lessons:))))

Anyway, talking about adulthood, I’ve been on an ‘exciting’ life journey for a couple of years. It’s been such a challenging and vague road to walk on, that I had a call with my sister the other day where I talked about past experiences, and she asked why I had so many difficulties in my life :)))). She said I could’ve picked an easier life, but why????

That’s it! I don't know why God put something this strong in my heart to pursue, except that I'm sure He must have something for me along the way or in the end.

(He does. I’ve had many transformative events that have changed me to my core that I’ll probably tell someday, and I believe there are still many others waiting to be found.)