the in-betweens

I understand that I'm not in a position where I can confidently give life advice, but one thing I’ve truly learned about life: what matters most are the in-betweens.

There was a period in my life when I spent my days always looking toward the future. I rarely enjoyed or felt satisfied with the present. My mind was fixed on what’s next, even before finishing what was in front of me, anxiously stuck in constant survival mode.

We often wait for the moment when we finally settle, when we can make time for family, for ourselves. We struggle now because we want to afford more options later, a better life, financial freedom, to buy ourselves time, not the other way around, right? 

Ironically, in the journey, we have to sacrifice the things we thought we'd reclaim later. But that so-called “dream life” may never arrive in the way we imagined (what is a "dream life" anyway?? it sounds so vague, like chasing perfectionism.). Once we reach a better state, there are always more things to chase. Or, we’re conditioned to crave more. Nothing really settles us down. We get used to sacrificing our time and our relationships with loved ones in exchange for money, career advancement, or ambitions. It'll probably look subtler as we grow. We convince ourselves it’s just part of becoming more capable, carrying more responsibilities. 

I’ve seen this life pattern too many times. The deeper I dive into my own career goals, watching those who walked ahead of me and trying to follow them, the more I wonder: Is this really the life I want to pursue? Is it only here where I live, or everywhere else in the world? I believe I was made to experience "something else" beyond this. 

Oh dear, let me tell you that last sentence has brought me to some interesting series of events later in my life, expanding my spectrum of extremes. It's just terrifying, but also eye-opening to me, to know that there's more outside of your limited knowledge, to experience, to feel, and to elevate your understanding of yourself and the world. So, no regrets. If this is called FOMO, so let it be. I don’t regret the experiences I’ve gone through, even the (calculated) stupid and risky decisions I made (which, to be fair, also demanded a huge amount of courage from me :"). They’ve shaped who I am today. I’d still go through them again just to gain the strength and insight I now carry. I'm not saying that I'm wise enough now, but I am certainly wiser than I was years ago. (Though I wish some lessons could’ve come in a shorter, more efficient package, just enough to hit the same intensity of wisdom LOL).

Anyway, over time, I began to see that while qualification exams, hardships, and career goals will be endless in this career field that I chose, they shouldn’t occupy so much space within me that there’s nothing left to appreciate everything else. I am more than what I haven’t achieved. It sounds obvious, maybe even silly, but if you’ve ever been in a state where you felt you weren’t “there” yet, you’ll probably know what I mean.

I understand that I'm not in a position where I can confidently give life advice as I'm not "there" yet, and I don’t know for certain whether I’ll eventually become the person I want to be. What I do know is who I refuse to become: people who postpone living and lose themselves in their endless quest for life. 

However, beyond that, as I learn to see that enjoying life is important, I also understand that there is something greater than life itself, which is something that comes after it.

Take care.